I'm okay

You know, there's this thing and it happens quite often, this thing where I'll be asked how we are and my automatic response is "I'm okay".

Now sometimes it's true but other times that I'm okay is covering up the fact that I've had restless nights, breaking moments, worries on top of worries and I hate to say it even the thoughts but to you, to a stranger, a teacher, a classmate, a friend, I'll say I'm okay. I don't want to be put into this box, into this label, where I'm known as that sad and depressed person no one wants to be around.

I'll fake a smile if I have to, laugh, be as friendly as possible, and act like I know what I'm doing. Maybe if I pretend on those really bad days, I'll start to feel like I'm actually okay.

You know, I'll fake it until it feels real it sounds crazy, silly, but we all do it sometimes, I just happen to do it more often than others, Muster up some energy from who knows where and use it in order to function, to keep a conversation going, to feel like I'm not out of place.

I feel my heart beating, my chest moving, and I know that I'm alive and yet I sigh because I feel like I'm not meeting this quota that I need to fulfill, I'll meet your eyes and give a friendly wave while inside I feel a horrible weight crushing me down, shaky hands and sporadic thoughts that remind me of all the things I fear, I question, I wonder, I try to avoid.

But hey, I'm okay, the sun has come up and has given me another day, so I'll play, I'll play the part when it's not really there, look joyful, full of life, look like someone that has the world in their hands, I'm okay is what I'll say, so no one will see the hurricane that is slowly coming my way.